Summer 2012

I am writing this post earlier than intended as we are still 2 months away from the 1 year anniversary of this blog. But it seems that perhaps, as we once again transition from the academic year into the months of summer, this is an excellent time to take stock of where have come from and where we are presently. My year has been a transition from unemployed, to student, to self employed. And as I look back on last summer, I can't help but think that blogging and writing and creating last summer and throughout this year was an important step and good preparation for this summer's challenge of making money in video production. (As an aside if you are interested in my photographic or video services, please let me know... a website is pending.)

One of the themes of Regent this year has been the repeated phrase: "everything is gift." This provided some of the impetus for my last post on imagining gift economics. Regent's convocation student address approached similar themes reflecting on Peter's experience at Jesus' transfiguration. Educational experiences such as Regent or CBC were compared to being on that mountain... They are not places we work for and build, they are places we are brought to and moments we are given and it is good to be there... But it is neither possible set up camp there as Peter desired, or through hard work recreate or return to that time for that is not what brought you there to begin with. The truth is that how we get places is complex, filled with people, randomness, and factors beyond our control... theologically one might insert the word providence here... 

My only point here is one that I have found encouraging all year: what looks and feels like failure may be the foundation for unbelievable success. Sometimes the road to where you are going is different than anticipated, feels unrelated and is frustrating. Sometimes we find success through failure or through stagnation or through unemployment. Sometimes it's obvious how things are connected and we may feel vindicated or difficulty may feel redeemed; other times it does not appear obvious as to why particular events or experiences were part of a journey. And yet I believe the alchemy of these experiences is important in preparing and shaping us hopefully for the better, even when we are unaware or unable to articulate it. 

So I anticipate summer 2012 to be a gift, just as 2011 was, despite its unconventional nature. I certainly have hopes and ideas of what I want it to look like, but mostly I want to try and be open for the surprises, for the nice weather, for opportunities to work and opportunities to rest, opportunities to read and opportunities to write, to take picture and make pictures, to laugh and cry... I expect nothing less than the fullness of life in all its glory and sorrow for this is what we have been promised - and in the midst of it, I will attempt to trust that the joy, the boredom, the work, the stress, the rest, and the love are all shaping my soul into the gift that my life is intended to be for you. I will try and be a present in the present (Sorry. It was so perfectly cheesy that I couldn't deny it.).

Why not?

As of tomorrow, we enter the last month of 2011. A year marked by the motto "why not?" as established last new years in New York. A trip which was made possible by the phrase it was to inspire. It has been a year of travel, transition, creativity, and new endeavours.  Do a super intense internship? Why not? Be homeless for the summer? Why not? Embrace unemployment? Why not? Start a blog? Why not? Write a book? Why not? Shoot a painting? Why not? Start Grad School? Why Not? Move to Vancouver? Why not? Occupy Everywhere? Why not? Stay up all night doing home work? Why not?

In the course of these adventures I have discovered many excellent responses to our courageous question which launched us daringly into many new, difficult, challenging, and rewarding circumstances... However, as I begin to reflect on a year that has been filled with extremes and as I anticipate rest, renewal and rejoicing over the Christmas season, I am moved almost immediately to nostalgia. It has been a year of life shared deeply, with deep friends. Beginning as we slept 3 or 4 to a bed stumbling on top of each other in a tiny apartment in New York, an experience I'm we were sure had deepened or destroyed our relationships, to graduation, to Israel, to unemployment, from artistic endeavours, new jobs, to weddings, to new schools... memories have congealed into a glassy rose coloured past to be reminisced over as we return to favourite restaurants, share a cigar, and in either slurred or perfectly enunciated speech share the deep love and respect we hold for each other. Friendship is about life lived together and that is something that has happened significantly and deeply this year.

The questions to be answered in the coming month is what will next years motto be? How do our relationships transition as life moves us to different place? Will there be the new friends that we will journey, laugh and cry with, and how will they change us?

I anticipate this Christmas season as being celebratory with with old friends and new, with family, with wine, with food and champagne...

May we celebrate both the glory and misery of our lives, holding hands and cuddled together,
with shouting, laughter and tears,
with kisses and hugs,
with both hope and sorrow, grieving and joy...
May there always be pizza...
May water turn into wine...
May death give way to new life...
May life be lived together...
Amen.

Oh if only I were actually Insane.

I recently watched the new BBC Sherlock, and also Showcase's Californication. Without reserve I would recommend Sherlock. With serious content disclaimers (sex and drugs) I would also recommend Californication. What the shows have in common are seriously dysfunctional protagonists. However, in the midst of there dysfunction, choices seem clear and simple, even if life isn't, they find success even amidst their own disaster, and they seem content with the mixture of love and hatred with which they are surrounded.

I binge watched these shows over the weekend as I am currently attempting to stress out less, trust my own process a bit more and not allow other people's processes to place unnecessary guilt or expectations on me. So I didn't do much homework and enjoyed Netflix. Can I live with myself doing things the way I do things? Can Amy live with me doing things the way I do things? Can I live with what you think of me procrastinating and watching TV instead of finishing assignments early?

The stress and thrill of deadlines left until the last minute, there are few things more exhilarating...

I find it very easy to get stuck inside my own head of games and perceptions. My own stress and anxiety over success and also the perception of success, and also the perception of diligence and effort. I found myself wondering this weekend if perhaps stressing out regarding papers and assignments before they are due when others have started and I have not is perhaps ineffective. I sometimes try and goad myself into starting or working by stressing and guilting myself into it. However, what if I trusted that I can effectively evaluate the natural stress of the situation and will start the assignment with enough time to finish, even if just barely. And that perhaps more effective preparation is rest and relaxation of all kinds (mental, emotional, physical) so that when my brain finally clicks into the clarity of last minute deadline magic I have the energy to make the magic happen.

Is our reverence of the dysfunctional genius, creating more dysfunction as we are unable to separate madness and genius and find ourselves celebrating and fascinated by both, leading us down a path of imitation... I find myself amusingly jealous with what I occasionally perceive as the simplicity of thought and life that mental illness can afford people. We often make very large allowances for those with diagnosed dysfunction. And the individual may or may not be aware or care about social nuance or the perception of others. I often find both my ability and compulsion to "fake" my self or my thoughts for the sake of perceptions and social fluidity annoying. Sometimes I wish I was an assh*le. If you already think that I am, I guess you caught me on a good day. Its not that I want to descend into uncensored brashness or hedonism, it is that I desire my altruism to be authentic and I would like to interact with people with greater confidence and freedom.

If you want to know how I could recommend Californication ask me. Also if you have CYOA requests let us know we are running low. Maybe we could start on some Christmas passages... What are your favourites?

#OccupyWallStreet - Zizek

So far to my knowledge, Cornel West, Slajov Zizek and Shane Claiborne among others have all given speeches at Occupy Wall Street. They are like three of my favourite people!

Here is the transcript of part of Zizek's speech:


…2008 financial crash more hard earned private property was destroyed than if all of us here were to be destroying it night and day for weeks. They tell you we are dreamers. The true dreamers are those who think things can go on indefinitely the way they are. We are not dreamers. We are awakening from a dream which is tuning into a nightmare. We are not destroying anything. We are only witnessing how the system is destroying itself. We all know the classic scenes from cartoons. The cart reaches a precipice. But it goes on walking. Ignoring the fact that there is nothing beneath. Only when it looks down and notices it, it falls down. This is what we are doing here. We are telling the guys there on Wall Street – Hey, look down! (cheering).
In April 2011, the Chinese government prohibited on TV and films and in novels all stories that contain alternate reality or time travel. This is a good sign for China. It means that people still dream about alternatives, so you have to prohibit this dream. Here we don’t think of prohibition. Because the ruling system has even suppressed our capacity to dream. Look at the movies that we see all the time. It’s easy to imagine the end of the world. An asteroid destroying all life and so on. But you cannot imagine the end of capitalism. So what are we doing here? Let me tell you a wonderful old joke from communist times.
A guy was sent from East Germany to work in Siberia. He knew his mail would be read by censors. So he told his friends: Let’s establish a code. If the letter you get from me is written in blue ink ,it is true what I said. If it is written in red ink, it is false. After a month his friends get a first letter. Everything is in blue. It says, this letter: everything is wonderful here. Stores are full of good food. Movie theaters show good films from the West. Apartments are large and luxurious. The only thing you cannot buy is red ink.
This is how we live. We have all the freedoms we want. But what we are missing is red ink. The language to articulate our non-freedom. The way we are taught to speak about freedom war and terrorism and so on falsifies freedom. And this is what you are doing here: You are giving all of us red ink.
There is a danger. Don’t fall in love with yourselves. We have a nice time here. But remember: carnivals come cheap. What matters is the day after. When we will have to return to normal life. Will there be any changes then. I don’t want you to remember these days, you know, like - oh, we were young, it was beautiful. Remember that our basic message is: We are allowed to think about alternatives. The rule is broken. We do not live in the best possible world. But there is a long road ahead. There are truly difficult questions that confront us. We know what we do not want. But what do we want? What social organization can replace capitalism? What type of new leaders do we want?
Remember: the problem is not corruption or greed. The problem is the system that pushes you to give up. Beware not only of the enemies. But also of false friends who are already working to dilute this process. In the same way you get coffee without caffeine, beer without alcohol, ice cream without fat. They will try to make this into a harmless moral protest. They think (??? unintelligible). But the reason we are here is that we have enough of the world where to recycle coke cans…

Part Two

….Starbucks cappuccino. Where 1% goes to the world’s starving children. It is enough to make us feel good. After outsourcing work and torture. After the marriage agencies are now outsourcing even our love life, daily.
Mic check
We can see that for a long time we allowed our political engagement also to be outsourced. We want it back. We are not communists. If communism means the system which collapsed in 1990, remember that today those communists are the most efficient ruthless capitalists. In China today we have capitalism which is even more dynamic than your American capitalism but doesn’t need democracy. Which means when you criticize capitalism, don’t allow yourselves to be blackmailed that you are against democracy. The marriage between democracy and capitalism is over.
The change is possible. So, what do we consider today possible? Just follow the media. On the one hand in technology and sexuality everything seems to be possible. You can travel to the moon. You can become immortal by biogenetics. You can have sex with animals or whatever. But look at the fields of society and economy. There almost everything is considered impossible. You want to raise taxes a little bit for the rich, they tell you it’s impossible, we lose competitivitiy. You want more money for healthcare: they tell you impossible, this means a totalitarian state. There is something wrong in the world where you are promised to be immortal but cannot spend a little bit more for health care. Maybe that ??? set our priorities straight here. We don’t want higher standards of living. We want better standards of living. The only sense in which we are communists is that we care for the commons. The commons of nature. The commons of what is privatized by intellectual property. The commons of biogenetics. For this and only for this we should fight.
Communism failed absolutely. But the problems of the commons are here. They are telling you we are not Americans here. But the conservative fundamentalists who claim they are really American have to be reminded of something. What is Christianity? It’s the Holy Spirit. What’s the Holy Spirit? It’s an egalitarian community of believers who are linked by love for each other. And who only have their own freedom and responsibility to do it. In this sense the Holy Spirit is here now. And down there on Wall Street there are pagans who are worshipping blasphemous idols. So all we need is patience. The only thing I’m afraid of is that we will someday just go home and then we will meet once a year, drinking beer, and nostalgically remembering what a nice time we had here. Promise ourselves that this will not be the case.
We know that people often desire something but do not really want it. Don’t be afraid to really want what you desire. Thank you very much!

Reposted from: http://www.occupywallst.org/article/today-liberty-plaza-had-visit-slavoj-zizek/

Educational Ideals

As I mentioned in my last post, I will be starting graduate studies at Regent College next week. During this week, they have attempted to orient the new students. This was not a small 1-5 hour info session, this was a three day long, entirely exhausting, event. Yes, it has taken 3 days to become oriented and I am uncertain if I feel oriented or just overwhelmed. The orientation included a history lecture on the school, an educational mission lecture and a lecture on moral vision. We were also introduced to all the faculty, toured around, forced to meet each other and some returning students, discussed courses, concentrations, ate lunch, had coffee, had communion, sung songs, and were generally informed of very large number of things. During one of the lectures, Regent's view of education was discussed. Ian Provain railed against the modern view of education as a product and students as clients. He told an amusing story of a student complaining to Eugene Peterson for taking too many thoughtful pauses in class and not speaking enough words. Clearly an educational product that contains more words is of more value than one with less, and given the cost of Regent courses, was it really too much to ask for a little less silence and a little more speech? This rant was reminiscent of Zizek's accusation that western society has turned universities from places of education into factories, which produce experts. Provain went on to discuss education as a communal and relational learning experience which ought to be formative for all aspects of person hood and that when it is reduced to an information based product, one has immediately failed. Bruce Hindermarsh added that particularly with theological education to view it as a means to an end is also to fail from the start, for as disciples it is in itself, at least in many senses, the goal.

While I seem in good company at Regent, a last bastion of education for its own sake, I often feel like a dinosaur. Socially, education is viewed almost exclusively as means to a job. So with any education, vocation is the immediate question. And vocational success is also the measure by which we often evaluate the success of an educational investment... BCIT programs advertises their high percentages of graduate employment in a related field, and so they should; BCIT is the ultimate in efficient, expert factory. I say, I feel like a dinosaur because I simply seem unable to be "practical" about education. I keep going to expensive schools, with not obvious or specific job prospects. Furthermore, they are now mostly Christian schools and so barely hold even the value of just general education in the marketplace. I am doomed to be viewed by society as an idiot religious freak and by Christian's as one of those evil educated unspiritual, faith destroying, science believing people. Perhaps, as Zizek points out in the beginning of his book, Living in the End Times: when everyone hates you for opposite and contradictory reasons that perhaps you are on the right track. I will remain hopeful in both God and the ideals of education.

Confirmation Bias

The discussion of biases, lenses and confirmation bias on Silas' post: Extremist Religion has inspired me. The confirmation bias: most notably displayed in a psychological experiment in which people deliberately check themselves into psych wards and acted normal but found everything they did was interpreted through the lens of illness by the attending physicians and anylysts. 


The problem of finding what one is looking for... 


 In this video Zizek says that the best things we find are the ones we weren't looking for - accidental discoveries; we were looking for one thing and found something else. Perhaps we went to Bible college to find certainty or a job and instead found uncertainty and a few friends... maybe that's better. Anyway, the inescapable personal bias leads me to this song: The Stand by Mother Mother. As usual if you are easily offended you probably shouldn't watch it. 

Real and Sureal

It began with Woody Allen a few weeks ago now. The theme of real and not real in my life. What occurs and who makes up the rules for what can and cannot be. This is beautifully depicted by Woody Allen's asides in his movies. I followed up two weeks ago with more Woody Allen as I saw "Midnight in Paris" which was fantastic, so if you have not seen it you should. The lines of reality and fiction, blur in a surreal way, and the surreal is the real (which probably only makes sense if you have seen it). Today I listened to a short story by Woody Allen, where he pretends he is Socrates in a dream, it is real in the sense it is story, but highly unreal as well. I think I am talking in circles and repeating myself...good, such is life and the contemplations about reality, friction, real, and surreal.

I have been attempting to escape recently, not because of lack of employment but because of it. I got a job doing manuel labour in Vancouver for 8 hours a day, and I commute for about 4 more. It is mindless work and mindless driving. I have attempted to turn myself into a drone and jokingly said to my friends "lets pretend I wake up at 5:30 pm, because the rest of the day is not worth mentioning". I attempt to escape into a surreal time portal at 5am that will spit me out 12 hours later so I can continue my life. It is as "real" as anything can be, but for me that "real" is 'surreal".

This post, however, was prompted by the one and only Lady Gaga. She, being her brilliant self, offers an intriguing perspective into this dialogue. Read about it here. Please read it, because all of what I said was shared because I read this. I think it is because I longed for my life to be unified in the way she describes the blurry lines. I am not there because I am attempting to escape part of it. .

No Parking Fire Lane

OK, birthed out of our cumulative experience of unemployment, I/we have created a short film. This film explicitly brings to bear our previous musings on both censorship and meaninglessness. Censorship in that it contains explicit language, such that it definitively would not make it through the fearsome church filter. If you are offended by the word F#%k, please do not watch this video unless you desire to be offended. Please note that the word is not directed at the audience but rather shared with the audience as an evaluation of the meaninglessness of the monotony and repetition of life. While in the film this is depicted in the form of unemployment, it is my definitive experience that employment can be both just as monotonous, repetitious, and meaningless. I think that it is not too much of a stretch to consider this film a modern paraphrase of Ecclesiastes 1:2. It has been an interesting and worthwhile process to step into the void of unemployment and not find myself scooped up into the safety of employment immediately. According to Ernie Zelinski (The Joy of Not Working, 2003) employment often provides, by default, three things that we crave as humans: structure, purpose, and community. I think this is an accurate assessment and I would like to add that our identity is directly related to two of those three and perhaps not entirely disconnected from the third. It can be easy for people either unemployed or retired to lose track of their identity because without their job, which society reinforces defines you, one can lose self identity entirely. It has therefore been crucial in our journey of self discovery and reassertion of identity to build structure, purpose, and a sense of community into our lives outside of work and beyond school. I think that I have learned the importance of having one's identity rooted in something larger and more stable than employment.

The title "No Parking Fire Lane" makes reference to both the sign in the hallway as well as a reference to the socially unacceptable nature of unemployment. While on the one hand we are plugged into the machine with dreams and promises of "retirement" a carefree time of leisure "later". On the other hand, those who are unemployed are often berated with accusations of laziness and forced to struggle with issues of self worth along with the obvious financial challenges. Part of the challenge in the midst of this is that we evaluate everything in dollars and so, without income, it is easy to internalize the idea that one's time is worthless. In a job one is paid in some fashion for one's time, in school one pays large sums to spend time learning. In both cases time is valued highly. However, for the unemployed or retired, time becomes socially meaningless because it is no longer evaluated financially. Minutes, hours, days blend together. Time can be measured in books, cups of coffee, or Farmville crops harvested, resumes sent, or cover letters written...

This film is a comment on life and gives voice to a particular perspective. It should not be interpreted as an absolute perceptive or as Silas's perspective, rather it is a piece of art attempting to make social comment based on a single interpretation of a certain experience.

Voyeurism and Censorship

I would like to let you all in on a discussion that is ongoing behind the surface of this blog. Duncan touched on it here. Right now I am keenly aware that I am being watched. I had no idea how powerful this notion of being watched would be over my willingness to be transparent and live up to the goal we set for this blog, an uncensored place of free thought. I have to admit that I have begun to think in blogs, everything I think I shape into a blog with no restraints, yet it is incredible how many of these I am censoring. I find myself censoring because it is incredibly unnerving knowing that about 150 people a day, at the moment, will be reading what I write, I feel like a little bit of a spectacle, or as Duncan so adequately put it when we last met, "we are pastoring a small un-church" (or something like that). I feel a little bit like Miley Cyrus and Lady Gaga. This is a new experience for me as I enter into what feels like a one-sided relationship. I permit all of the internet a window into my existence every few days and there is surprisingly little feed back. Beside the few comments, a conversation, or a "like" on facebook, I have absolutely no idea who is "watching". Now to toss this back on you, because if I am using the concept of voyeurism to best explain how I am perceiving this blogging thing...that makes you the peeping tom :0 which is ok as long as we are all aware of the roles we are playing in this one-sided relationship :)

Having no idea who is reading this blog is trilling and disconcerting all at the same time. It is because of this that we as a group of bloggers are running into the constraints of censorship. How much is too much. How much honesty can the internet really handle? Censorship is not my expertise, I am usually overly blunt, I'll say what I think and ask for forgiveness later. Because of this I have a few requests. First, if we offend...Respond, post in the comment section. We are all more than willing to open a two or more way dialogue, and then I at least know who to ask forgiveness from. Second, if you are a regular reader follow us, it is really nice to know who is reading.

Censorship is complicated. It is nearly impossible to determine what people find offensive, as Duncan puts it "I always think its funny what people find offensive or a "big deal" its like swear words... which ones are really bad? I think my mom is probably more offended by cigarettes than by "losing faith". I say "damn" all the time without thinking. Other people love the word "fuck" but think "damn" is crossing the line... some people think "crap" is ok but not "shit," other people the reverse. Some of this is cultural both locally and globally but to me it is a reminder of the ambiguity of language and the inherent risks one takes when speaking. It is not surprising that public speaking is something that many people fear more than death - speech acts both spoken and written take enormous courage." (from our private ongoing conversation). I find that we are in a particularly interesting spot when dealing with censorship. We all have Christian educations which was four years of tip toeing around censorship issues, how much could one say, what would be too far, "if I say what I actually think will i be considered a heretic?" Sometimes all three of us through caution to the wind and said as we pleased, but i think for the majority of the time we played the censorship game quite well. The thing is the game is not over. As we pursue higher education and jobs it is likely people will find this blog. The thought then becomes will I loose job opportunities because of what I post here? Or maybe more significantly, will something I say here offend a person to such an extent that they stop being in relationship with me in the real world, outside of the intertubes? As our virtual and internet lives mesh I find things become more hazy, more uncertain. Hopefully as we pursue academia and careers we will land ourselves in positions that value freedom of thought, freedom to think without fear. Hopefully when perfect love casts out fear the absence of fear is presence in the intellectual realm as well, so we do not slip into divisive tribalism of fundamentalism.

I often find it helpful to communicate my ideas through other mediums people have already created and published. I ran across a music video this spring (one that did not get as much play as I think it deserved) which had some interesting thoughts about censorship tied in. I found it extremely enlightening when the same music video came out with a directors cut it was much more disturbing. Specifically enlightening is the contrast between the two videos. Many people will find the first offensive, but the message I believe is more apparent in the second. The song is Natalia Kills -Wonderland and here is the directors cut. I hope you enjoy the difference in the movies. For now I think I will be treading/blogging towards the official version, my posts at least will attempt to convey what I mean without becoming too over the top. But if you think I am not being fully transparent call me out in the comments section if you would prefer the directors cut on a certain post.

Why Job Interviews are Dumb

I recently read a couple articles by Malcolm Gladwell on interviews and the hiring process found here and also here . Gladwell puts into brilliant words, what I was already aware of, that the interview process is mostly voodoo, black magic and a farce. That almost the only thing that you can figure out in an hour long interview is what you figured out in the first thirty seconds and that is: whether you like someone or not. There is an alternative to the ritual interview set of questions to which I give you the expected and acceptable answers: "My biggest weakness really is that I work too hard and I care too much." The old "can you tell me about a strength of yours as weakness that makes you seem both humble and even better for the job?" "yes yes I can" The alternative is a scripted interview with a set of question scenarios that there are not answers to but that any answer reveals something about the applicant. Questions like this:


"But, Menkes said, what if those questions were rephrased so that the answers weren't obvious? For example: "At your weekly team meetings, your boss unexpectedly begins aggressively critiquing your performance on a current project. What do you do?"

I felt a twinge of anxiety. What would I do? I remembered a terrible boss I'd had years ago. "I'd probably be upset," I said. "But I doubt I'd say anything. I'd probably just walk away." Menkes gave no indication whether he was concerned or pleased by that answer. He simply pointed out that another person might well have said something like "I'd go and see my boss later in private, and confront him about why he embarrassed me in front of my team." I was saying that I would probably handle criticism—even inappropriate criticism—from a superior with stoicism; in the second case, the applicant was saying he or she would adopt a more confrontational style. Or, at least, we were telling the interviewer that the workplace demands either stoicism or confrontation—and to Menkes these are revealing and pertinent pieces of information." - Malcolm Gladwell, The New Boy Network 2000

At the end of the day your handshake is probably more important in getting the job than your qualifications because we like to hire people we like, we like to hire our friends. And if we can't for some reason well then the next thing is to hire a new friend. Interviews are supposed to be about the job but they are mostly about personality and first impressions. Thanks Gladwell for making me feel both better and worse about myself at the same time. 

Monetised/Sponsored

What are three unemployed grads to do other than monetise their blog? This mean that you will now see ads as part of this experience. Yes we know you are inundated with advertising all day and you just wanted to escape and read a little jaded, critical, and miserable theological ramblings and other shenanigans, not be sold books and boats and mustaches but hey we didn't create this blog out of anti advertising ideals we created it out of boredom. If you want learn how to stick it to the adman and take back the streets with a meme war go read adBusters but if you want to see what real and theological hijinx we get up to: we will be here whoring our creative and intellectual content to the best of our abilities. Today we watched Annie Hall and discussed further the meaninglessness of life and frustrations of job searching. I made more money before I went to college, its a good thing I didn't go to school to get a job... mind you if I had done that perhaps I would be finding something right now. My wife called me an author yesterday, that was a great ego boost. We are now sponsored authors.


One new years a few years ago, some friends and I met a guy on the skytrain, drunk as a skunk, but out of his intoxicated mouth came some of the most beautiful words of truth I have heard in my life, literally linguistic liquid gold: "Free! Thats like my first favourite word." We asked what his second favourite word was and his response was, "Sponsored..." he said, with glazed look of glory frozen on his face as he stared into space and imagined selling out in order to get paid to play. I am experiencing that right now. We three young jaded idealists standing here on the edge of glory having just sold our souls moments ago for advertising revenue - having commoditized the very relationships which provide the meaning in our meaningless lives and we are hanging on this moment of truth to find out will we fall? will lose it all? would anyone pay us to write without ads? How do you feel being part of the largest psychological experiment in human history? "Advertising" - coming soon...

Thoughts of Grandeur

Thoughts of Grandeur

This blog is probably best read while listening to Charlotte Gainsbourg, IRM CD

Am I really satisfied? What do I want? Or maybe more truthfully...To what extent am I socially constructed?

As I sit here typing this blog post I am making macaroni and cheese for dinner, the meal of champions. There is nothing that levels the playing field like Mac and Cheese, and what does it have at all to do with being a champion? I imagine that no matter how rich or famous one becomes Mac and Cheese will always be a part of life. It has to be the great equalizer of western society, well at least North America. I have been pondering life again (which is really not beneficial for anyone) and it has led me once again to the realization that sparked the name of this blog. Smoke, Mirrors and Cigarettes, drew upon meaningless, vanity, and vapours in the wind. Ecclesiastes 1:2 "Meaningless! Meaningless! Says the teacher. Utterly meaningless! Everything is meaningless." To be honest as much as this causes me to despair and wallow, I find incredible solace in this monologue, it proves to me that the writers of the Bible were not modernists which is comforting as there is then room to simply be in a state of ambiguity. Everything is nothing and nothing is better off enjoyed than wasted so after I finish writing this I am going to go out enjoy the fresh air, and enjoy a cigarette which so perfectly pollutes it.

I began this most recent contemplation as I drove back from Whistler. After being re-immersed in outdoor culture, I found myself driving back to interview at a bike shop of all places. I found myself again thinking that working in a bike shop was not the ideal place to find oneself after spending way too much money to get a degree. I was going to interview for an entry-level position as a sales associate making chump change, and paying off the student debt will be a slow go if this is where I end up. I had a lot of time to think as I drove all the way to Abbotsford to grab respectable clothes and shower, then drive back to Langley to interview, which turned out to be a wapping 5 minute interview (totally worth the 4 hours in my car today). Is this really how life is going to turn out? Is this really what I have to look forward to in the next ____ years of my life?

On the return trip from the interview I could not help but think I wanted something more. But when I came to question of why I wanted more, I was dumbfounded. I had no good explanation of why I wanted more. I had just spent 5 days with awesome people in Whistler who were choosing to live there, make little money, just enough to live and do as they pleased with regards to biking and skiing. Why did I have this complex of grandeur? I found myself realizing I was terribly pretentious to think that my life should not turn out that way. Not that I am after some six figure job, but I might as well have been as I sat there having distain for a life of 9-14$ an hour. It is not like I have a family, or pay child support, I live reasonably cheaply so it could work.

After a while I came to a realization that my desire for grandeur was a socially constructed desire. The concept of being satisfied or what I want was all socially constructed. It must be, if at one moment in Whistler I can think to myself, this is all I want to do with my life, and then the moment I am on the highway and see a BMW and I think that what I want is a high paying job. Or when I am in school all I want is to be the best and to teach. The root of all of these I found out today is a socially constructed complex of being unique.

We watch movies of famous lives, we have contests to be the best, we read incredible biographies, and even the fiction of our lives tells us to be the best or to be unique. Slowly I am coming to the realization that for the majority of us, those are not the cards we have been dealt in this big confusing game of chance. The danger I see is that there is not any area of life that this prevalent social construct does not pervade as dominant, in our work, school, play, and even religion (which is most disconcerting to me). We all pursue after being the best and being unique, it is one big advertising campaign that worked better than all the rest (even better than De Beers convincing everyone that you need a diamond to be engaged, and that was a duzy of an ad campaign).

Well with those thoughts, a dinner of Mac and Cheese (the great equalizer) was in order (and for those who are wondering it was delicious). Now off to be meaningless with a Cigarette, and a book of Harry Potter (the ultimate propaganda fiction of being unique). But best to live enjoying the nothing. Until next time, Wallow well.

Resignation?

Tomorrow will be my third day in a row of work. Let me be clear, I do not have a job, but I have had paid work for two days going on three and I believe I can also lock down a fourth day on Thursday. I am concerned that I will have to resign from this blog if this continues... I am not living up to our tag line of "unemployed..."

Casual work with people I know and like is good. I don't feel stuck in a job I hate. I haven't worked enough to hate it yet. It is hard to hate your day or your work when you are with good people that you like and that like you back... This is one of my biggest fears when I am unemployed is a crazy boss... Please feel free to share you crazy boss story using the anonymous author option. I loathe crazy bosses but love crazy boss stories... :)

Jonathan Acuff

Jonathan Acuff is a Christian comedy writer who started the blog stuffchristianslike.net website which was eventually turned into a book. I listened to him read the audio version of the book before I started reading the blog. He has gone from unemployed, to serial job quitter, quitting or losing 8 jobs in 8 years, to proffessional author and speaker. This leads me to my first point. The three of us either individually or as a team are prepared to come speak to you or at your event for money. Our schedules may not be as free as you might think so book early. We are skilled and experienced in leading Bible studies, devotionals, preaching sermons, panel discussion and more...

Acuff recently released a book called Quitter, where he extols the virtues of his new boss, christian financial guru Dave Ramsey, and explains how to close the gap between your day job and your dream job. I read the first free chapter: He talks about how we often think that we have to quit our job to get our dream job or be able to do what we really want to do. He argues no, that quitting your job is a bad move because, now instead of have that one boss you don`t like and those 7.5 - 8 hours of meaninglessness, unemployment is a move to a million bosses: like the telephone bills, your spouse, your parents, your inlaws, grandparents, and all those household chores that you don`t want to do etc. Everyone, who previously nodded approvingly at your meaningless soul sucking life and left you alone, is now giving you advice, asking about your progress, checking in on you, demanding a list of the daily activities etc. Acuff argues that unemployment is not a ticket to your dream job it is train to financial wreck and even more meaninglessness.

I resonate with this. I found the stress of not have a job and my perception of the expectations on me to get one so overwhelming that I literally was non functional and did nothing for a week. Jet lag probably didn`t help and I didn`t actually do nothing but it was not a good week. I didn`t do the things I want to do when have time off because I felt guilty for not looking for a job and I didn`t look for a job because I find job hunting so stressful and I didn`t have the emotional energy yet. I am very tempted to find take a shitty job for shitty pay for the next two months so people don`t ask me if I have a job or give me unsolicited job searching advice. It will have no long term benefit, but it would lower a particular stress. Both the real and perceived, potentially imaginary expectations of other people I can find very stressful. My friends and family ought to know that whatever normal people do is not going to be what I do...

I continue to feel the need to individuate, to move far enough away that no one can help us and prove I can cope perhaps most of all to myself...

The Cellar

Welcome to a place for depression, cynicism, melancholy, narcissim, regret, disdain, imagination, hope, gloom, celebration, honesty, lies, sarcasm, questions, anger, loathing, inibriation, exhaltation, exhibitionism and voyeurism of each others very souls (if one believes in souls). I'm sure this will be used for other things as well but I have run out of words. This is a community project started and currently maintained by three dissillusioned and unemployed bible college grads who have currently embraced deconstruction, uncertainty and ambiguity as a preferable position to certainty and black and white morality. Unfortunately, this makes our skill set of exegetical tools and biblical and theological knowledge less than worthless (monetarily) since there are very few jobs, which would demand use of, or appreciate, our training AND that we would be able to do with integrity OR that we could get hired for, if we gave full disclosure - thus making, from an employment perspective, the last 4 years a waste of time. I stand at the end of a road asking the question: "How do I find a meaningful job?" I wonder "How do I make a meaningful life in a meaningless world?" Welcome to the Cellar. We will begin to offer thoughts and commentary free of charge until such a time as we can reasonably charge or figure out some other way to make money, we welcome your responses, questions, ideas, contributions and financial or employment consideration.