Hidden & Revealed

This is a post which contemplates identity, self and personhood...

I think it relates to previous posts of mine such as: Remember, Censorship, Out on a Limb, and Anxiety & Irresponsibility among others
And also Silas post Stories Collide Pt.1
And Danielle's Shake it like you mean it!

we are mixtures of light and shadow 

the hidden and revealed

both to ourselves and to others

we are both exposed and concealed

I was struck tonight by the vast number of ways I identify myself. Some of these identities are in conflict or at least seem to be. Many of the nuances of reality are simplified for various reasons. For example I am both proud and ashamed to identify as Scottish, part of my family heritage for which I am named and have since tatooed onto my body forcing the issue into conversation more than I really intended. I am in reality much more dominantly Dutch. However, when I did not receive the tall genes of my father and opa this became a sore point more than a source of pride or identity. I am defined precisely in paradox. 

What makes up our identity? We are a blender of nature, nurture, context, culture, history, tradition, narrative, and genetics... We are simultaneously unique and deeply connected. The book Beauty of the Lillies by John Updike, which I just finished reading highlights the intergenerational quality of the story of our lives. We are born into a story, continue it and pass it on... I think the Bible also highlights this intergenerational narrative of our lives of faith. "I am the God of you forefathers: Abraham, Isaac and Jacob" declares Yahweh... 

I try and situate myself in a intergenerational narrative: I am the fourth generation of film maker/photographer, following my father, opa and my opa's father. I am the fourth generation of my mother's family to worship God on the west coast of BC, following my mother, grandmother and great grandparents. It is this point that is interesting because it highlights the way we shape and mould our stories and identity. The way we edit. What we choose to reveal or hide, either by omission or intentional concealment. I rarely share my family's west coast history. This is at least in part because I am only minimally familiar with it and those who held this piece of my heritage died when I was young. My mother grew up in Sarnia and moved "home" to Victoria in her teens. My dad was born in Vancouver, but grew up all across America and in Holland, moving back to BC for University. British Columbia holds a gravity for my family that I tend to deny and have been trying to shake my whole life. I barely consider myself Canadian, identifying rather as European immigrant, having grown up on my Opa's stories of the Old Country, my Dad's stories of moped vacations in France, and my parents 6 month honeymoon of European travels. Stories held life and depth in contrast to the plastic and stick frame life of suburbia... My mother's father was born English and fought with the RAF in WWII. How I promote or demote these various facets of my life and many others deeply impact how I view myself and the story I find myself in. My dad's parents being still alive to participate and tell stories. This part of my history, therefore, has been in a bright spotlight for most of my life. This however, has cast into much deeper shadow, my mother's parents and family, shrouded in the silence of death. I find myself moving amongst the light and shadows of my own life desiring to explore and reveal parts and pasts hidden and to shade brighter spots. I am trying to both to understand and find my role in the intergenerational drama into which I have been born. Am I the heir to leap from amateur to professional in the photographic arts? I continue to try. Am I the exiled or prodigal son destined to return home to Europe? Or is escape to Europe merely another prodigal journey? Am I scholarly vindication of my frustrated grandfather, who didn't complete his Ph.D? With a family heritage of university education and teachers, education has been a value I was slow to embrace but now find that I love. Am I the white, educated, christian, suburban BC boy required to repent and and do penance for the sins of those before me responsible for residential schools and destruction of First Nations culture? Culture and history I share by direct family line and not only group association (I have at least one relative who taught in a school and my great grand father who worked for the government on reserves...)

I am unable to be seen completely by human eyes. Dark unknown spots and sins and shame merely shine brighter when revealed overpowering the rest. I experience my life as a frustrating puzzle with so many pieces I believe connect but I have lost the lid and cannot see the whole. I have moved more and more toward a desire for integration. All the jumbled pieces need to connect and as I search I find both connections and also more pieces... I feel like a tourist with amnesia searching through my suitcase trying to determine where I was supposed to go. 

i cannot hide but with revealing 

my revelation explicitly concealing

In my hiddenness I am most exposed

and in my nakedness remain unknown

Ok and now the theological question: How does God reveal himself in absence? Can God's presence be made known in absence? How? Why? etc.

Turning 27...

Late last year, I was at a Sarah Slean concert and she assured the audience that 27 is a great year, but that you pay for it in year 28 and 29. When one is 27, adulthood has definitively set in and there is no escaping it, although perhaps it is the last year in which denial is quite socially acceptable. I find it difficult, as I believe we all do, to not compare myself to those around me in a variety of spheres and contexts. Some of my more famous fellow 1985 babies include: Lily Allen, Fefe Dobson, Zac Hanson, Kiera Knightly, Lady Sovereign, Frankie Muniz, Ashley Tisdale, T-Pain, and Madeline Zima. Other superstars like Miss Stefani Germanotta (Lady Gaga) are a year younger. While we could have a lively discussion regarding the degree of adulthood these celebrities have achieved, certainly their success and cultural influence is spectacular. Friends of mine own houses and are having babies... My parents had finished school, bought a house, and found the job my Dad continues to work at, given birth to me and were pregnant with my sister. These are examples of those who while less globally influential are discernably settled, rooted. I, however, seem to be stuck in the midst of the same existential crisis I have been in for the past at least 10 years, except 10 years ago I was more optimistic regarding the future. At 27, I am feeling both the desire and terror of settling... I am feeling distinctly exhausted with the uncertainty and transience of many peoples early and mid twenties.

Please let me be the first to be cynical regarding my own cynical out look. From any other perspective but my own, my own pathos is near inexplicable. I am married, I have travelled the world, I am currently enrolled in grad school and I have concession style popcorn machine, I live in Vancouver; life, by any reasonable external standard, is fantastic. Despite the often uncertain and unexpected series of events that have been the last decade of my life, they have been far from dull, uneventful or unproductive. However, from a young age I have had my eyes set on a world stage, and rather than making progress I find myself living everyday with angsty teenage uncertainty regarding what I want to be when I grow up. And here we are and I still don't really know or am too afraid to say or am afraid that the ongoing ambiguity determines me a failure regardless, doomed to be blown by the wind.

My eternally embarrassing confession of competing in figure skating up to the age of 16 never ceases to cause me discomfort. It is in this context of competition, my eyes always directed to national and international success, that I spent some of my most formative years. The height of my success was not a gold medal but qualifying for nationals (perhaps you can hear my disappointment). Anyway, I retired at 16 in order to more fully devote myself to school and art. My ambition for a world stage did not disappear, it merely shifted toward film and television. I have now spent 6+ years formally pursuing spirituality and theological education. But my vision/desire for global impact remains undeterred. On a side note, 4 years ago I recognized in myself a great longing to escape. This is mostly expressed in not wanting to live in North America. Despite and because of this I seem to have confined myself to the very context I both love and loathe, Vancouver.

Ambition is considered both a vice and virtue in modern society. I have mixed feelings about my own ambitions. Oh I could call them "hopes and dreams" and that would be far more acceptable but realistically it is the same. My desire to engage an audience is, perhaps, innate to my identity. There is not a time in my life that I can remember when some aspect of my time was not directed to this end in some fashion. And yet my young desire to perform and entertain has shifted to a desire to express and communicate. This blog succeeds in quenching some of that need. However, blogs and internet communication are often unsatisfying outlets, as they can feel like performing Shakespeare in the dark. Can anyone hear you? or see you? Does anyone care what about what you are doing or trying to do? These fears are somewhat alleviated here by group authorship...

My question, which perpetuates my own frustration and dissatisfaction is not: Do you care? or Can you see me? but, What am I doing? According to Dorothy Sayers I might be classified as an artist all energy and no idea... Although in reality I am exhausted and rarely energetic. I move amongst my own shadows of doubt looking for something... Perhaps we will have a child and I will find focus, perhaps I will be given an opportunity which will crystallize things, perhaps I will meet someone who will make things clear... But after 10 years of pursuing God for these things, learning to think, and discerning in community,  it is my conviction that we must learn to live in the shadowy reality of our own subjectivity. I must continue to step into the darkness by faith, because all is darkness. It is my hope to walk while holding hands with those I love. It is the deep torture of my soul to be weighed down with the call to speak and simultaneously deep uncertainty about what to say, or perhaps my uncertainty is a mask for inability to commit to a subject or perspective...

So I am most curious regarding your thoughts of ambition as a subject and its role in the Christian life...
How common is my sense of dissatisfaction? I perceive, perhaps wrongly, that many other people are much more content within life's mundane routines and much more capable of finding joy in the doldrums of the grind...
Is existential discomfort good or bad? Some might say that comfort and lack of personal tension should be considered a bad sign. 
Is the my decision thus far to confine myself to a context (e.g. Vancouver) that I do not particularly like, in order to attempt to work out my loathing of North America, reasonable or does it make more sense to run off somewhere and hopefully shatter my naive and romantic illusions regarding other parts of the world? This seems a common experience of many people.
Is my restlessness genetic, merely skipping a generation, and now simply expressed in the anxiety of my postmodern generation?
I apologize for what, perhaps, is far too personal a post for the public nature of this setting. 

Why not?

As of tomorrow, we enter the last month of 2011. A year marked by the motto "why not?" as established last new years in New York. A trip which was made possible by the phrase it was to inspire. It has been a year of travel, transition, creativity, and new endeavours.  Do a super intense internship? Why not? Be homeless for the summer? Why not? Embrace unemployment? Why not? Start a blog? Why not? Write a book? Why not? Shoot a painting? Why not? Start Grad School? Why Not? Move to Vancouver? Why not? Occupy Everywhere? Why not? Stay up all night doing home work? Why not?

In the course of these adventures I have discovered many excellent responses to our courageous question which launched us daringly into many new, difficult, challenging, and rewarding circumstances... However, as I begin to reflect on a year that has been filled with extremes and as I anticipate rest, renewal and rejoicing over the Christmas season, I am moved almost immediately to nostalgia. It has been a year of life shared deeply, with deep friends. Beginning as we slept 3 or 4 to a bed stumbling on top of each other in a tiny apartment in New York, an experience I'm we were sure had deepened or destroyed our relationships, to graduation, to Israel, to unemployment, from artistic endeavours, new jobs, to weddings, to new schools... memories have congealed into a glassy rose coloured past to be reminisced over as we return to favourite restaurants, share a cigar, and in either slurred or perfectly enunciated speech share the deep love and respect we hold for each other. Friendship is about life lived together and that is something that has happened significantly and deeply this year.

The questions to be answered in the coming month is what will next years motto be? How do our relationships transition as life moves us to different place? Will there be the new friends that we will journey, laugh and cry with, and how will they change us?

I anticipate this Christmas season as being celebratory with with old friends and new, with family, with wine, with food and champagne...

May we celebrate both the glory and misery of our lives, holding hands and cuddled together,
with shouting, laughter and tears,
with kisses and hugs,
with both hope and sorrow, grieving and joy...
May there always be pizza...
May water turn into wine...
May death give way to new life...
May life be lived together...
Amen.

Safety

Thanks to Mark Klausen for coming over for breakfast and inspiring this post.

Life is filled with risk, uncertainty and randomness. In North America we have insurance to try and create a sense of safety amidst the chaos. However, those of you who have dealt with insurance companies will know that they may or may not actually be the source of comfort and support they claim to be since they are likely to make every effort to avoid paying (hooray capitalism). I think that we often can become obsessed with safety and that this leads us probably into isolation, and either anxious paranoia or delusion. Ultimately, no matter how much insurance you have, things can still go wrong in ways that will screw over your entire life. What did people do before there was insurance? Well two things: sacrifice to the gods, and depend on family/community. Before the false community that insurance companies created through the corporate idolatry of money - before that, people relied on real communities and actual relationships to support, protect and help them.

Safety can become a debilitating obsession. However, we also often use safety measures in order to take risks. It is interesting that often safety measures fail to make life safer because there is a tendency for us to absorb the risk. So if we are in a car with a five point harness, wearing a helmet, with a roll cage we are more likely to drive 'more dangerously.' This was statistically demonstrated during study of the addition of ABS brakes to a fleet of trucks. While in theory, if everyone were to drive the same, the new brakes ought to prevent some accidents and thus decrease the accidents overall. However, it takes very little time for drivers to adjust there driving to the new technology and thus the benefit is absorbed into efficiency rather than safety.

What we discussed over breakfast was the usually required social support to take the risks required to pursue dreams or even dream them to begin with. Without a safe community to dream in and be encouraged by it is all too easy to get stuck in the dead end job - because dead end jobs, more than anything else, provide safety.

We escape dead ends with the help of friends.

Also since insurance companies are like churches, in that they don't really sell anything tangible and often prey on people's fear, they should, like churches, be not for profit organizations.

CYOA: Genesis 37-50 - Sold into Slavery

As I read the story of Joseph through a couple times, especially after reading Silas' post, what stood out to me the most was how pervasive the theme of slavery was. It begins with Joseph being sold into slavery, another in a list of fine examples of failure to be one's brother's keeper (Gen. 4:9), and it finishes with Joseph enslaving the entire Egyptian population, which of course includes his own family, but besides these two there are numerous other slave and servant remarks. Ultimately, This is the story of how Israel sold itself into the slavery of Egypt thus setting the stage for the Exodus, which begins not with enslavement but oppression, made possible by their previous enslavement. 

Genesis 48:

 ²⁰ So Joseph bought all the land in Egypt for Pharaoh. The Egyptians, one and all, sold their fields, because the famine was too severe for them. The land became Pharaoh’s, ²¹ and Joseph reduced the people to servitude, from one end of Egypt to the other. ²² However, he did not buy the land of the priests, because they received a regular allotment from Pharaoh and had food enough from the allotment Pharaoh gave them. That is why they did not sell their land.

 ²³ Joseph said to the people, “Now that I have bought you and your land today for Pharaoh, here is seed for you so you can plant the ground. ²⁴ But when the crop comes in, give a fifth of it to Pharaoh. The other four-fifths you may keep as seed for the fields and as food for yourselves and your households and your children.”

 ²⁵ “You have saved our lives,” they said. “May we find favor in the eyes of our lord; we will be in bondage to Pharaoh.”

 ²⁶ So Joseph established it as a law concerning land in Egypt—still in force today—that a fifth of the produce belongs to Pharaoh. It was only the land of the priests that did not become Pharaoh’s.

Once Joseph was sold into slavery he never ceased to be a slave he simply changed owners. I don't think there is any reason to understand Joseph's relation to Pharaoh any differently than his previous relationship to Potiphar. In fact the narrator goes out his way to highlight the similarities between Joseph's situation with Potiphar, the jailor, and then Pharaoh. 


This was a revelation to me. I have grown up thinking that the Egyptians' enslaved Israel but as I read the text again I am convinced that Israel sells itself into slavery. At the time of course with Joseph in power this was fine, if not rather enjoyable but it then led to their oppression. 


The other thing that struck me was that the story of Judah and Tamar (Gen. 38) sits in the middle of the story of Joseph. Judah is two for two in back to back chapters, first he suggests selling Joseph in to slavery and then he is sleeping with his daughter in law and trying to have her killed. Perhaps, this is to deter the tribe of Judah of ever thinking too highly of itself; perhaps, it is to ensure that Judah remember that the blessing of God is all gift. In Genesis 50 Judah definitely receives the best blessing from Jacob and maybe having Judah's sin and failure highlighted at the beginning of the story serves to underline the end of the story as grace.


I think the story deliberately tries to show how God is able to work sovereignly in the midst of our free and bad choices. Even our intentional evil can be used by God for good. However, I think it is also worth noting that redemption does not eliminate pain or consequences. Joseph was still enslaved and in prison, all of Israel winds up in slavery, the relationships between Joseph and his brothers seems never to be fully restored. Joseph who was sold into slavery becomes one who enslaves. So while the good of survival and being fruitful and multiplying occurs, there are some fairly significant consequences and one is curious if perhaps better choices could have led to a happier journey...

CYOA - To Deny or Explain?

Daughter of Jephthah

Judges 11
 ^29-31 God's Spirit came upon Jephthah. He went across Gilead and Manasseh, went through Mizpah of Gilead, and from there approached the Ammonites. Jephthah made a vow before God: "If you give me a clear victory over the Ammonites, then I'll give to God whatever comes out of the door of my house to meet me when I return in one piece from among the Ammonites—I'll offer it up in a sacrificial burnt offering."

 ^32-33 Then Jephthah was off to fight the Ammonites. And God gave them to him. He beat them soundly, all the way from Aroer to the area around Minnith as far as Abel Keramim—twenty cities! A massacre! Ammonites brought to their knees by the People of Israel.

 ^34-35 Jephthah came home to Mizpah. His daughter ran from the house to welcome him home—dancing to tambourines! She was his only child. He had no son or daughter except her. When he realized who it was, he ripped his clothes, saying, "Ah, dearest daughter—I'm dirt. I'm despicable. My heart is torn to shreds. I made a vow to God and I can't take it back!"

This passage sucks because either you deny child sacrifice, which is good but are perceived to be hand waving or you don't and you have to deal with the ramifications of child sacrifice, which are horrific.

One angle I have heard is that this is a lesson against legalism and that Jephthah should have asked to be released from his vow... for which to some degree there are specifications for in Leviticus 27.

I would be happier with that explanation if we didn't have the story of Abraham being called to sacrifice Isaac as a burnt offering, although clearly no issue of a vow in that case.

So people may ask what was he expecting to come out of a house? The implication appears to be an animal, which is plausible given that animals often lived in the house with the family as they contributed to the heat as well as were too valuable to keep outside without being tended. However, I think it is a fair statement that this is a bad vow to begin with... But it seems initially to be a vow full of faith and trust in God... or is it a vow bent on manipulating God? hmmm... Why does Jephthah need to make a vow? After his long diplomatic speech about God's victory over Balak and Israel's respect of Ammon in the preceding verses, the vow seems to actually betray a lack of faith rather than great faith.

There is something distinctly and spectacularly pagan about this whole story. Our bastard hero is exiled but then returns and and saves the day winning a great battle and the cost of his victory is his only virgin daughter. I would be reasonably happy to say that this is a pagan story attempted to be revised to fit Yahwehism...

But again I would be happier with that explanation if their wasn't this odd theme of child/self sacrifice that runs from Abraham and Isaac and is culminated in Jesus, another "bastard" child and if Jephthah wasn't celebrated as a hero of faith in Hebrew's 11.

39-40 It became a custom in Israel that for four days every year the young women of Israel went out to mourn for the daughter of Jephthah the Gileadite.

These final verses of the story seem to indicate that it is some sort of explanation for a social tradition.

Some commentators note that the passage ends focused on virginity not death and there is the suggestion that the daughter was not killed but devoted to a life of service as virgin, similar to nuns. This is argued  further based on the fact that the context of the situation does not fit a literal, levitical burnt offering. While clearly, a life of service, similar to Samuel, is preferable to filicide it seems possible to me that the concern with virginity rather than death is actually one and the same given that the Old Testament view is that one lives on through their children. Therefore, being Jephthah's only virgin daughter, her virginity represents the destruction of the entire family.

Sorry everybody I see all of the problems and I don't like it or any of the solutions, I welcome further thoughts...

You reached a dead end and were trapped inside the Pharoah's tomb.

Turn to page 47 if you don't like this ending...

Jonathan Acuff

Jonathan Acuff is a Christian comedy writer who started the blog stuffchristianslike.net website which was eventually turned into a book. I listened to him read the audio version of the book before I started reading the blog. He has gone from unemployed, to serial job quitter, quitting or losing 8 jobs in 8 years, to proffessional author and speaker. This leads me to my first point. The three of us either individually or as a team are prepared to come speak to you or at your event for money. Our schedules may not be as free as you might think so book early. We are skilled and experienced in leading Bible studies, devotionals, preaching sermons, panel discussion and more...

Acuff recently released a book called Quitter, where he extols the virtues of his new boss, christian financial guru Dave Ramsey, and explains how to close the gap between your day job and your dream job. I read the first free chapter: He talks about how we often think that we have to quit our job to get our dream job or be able to do what we really want to do. He argues no, that quitting your job is a bad move because, now instead of have that one boss you don`t like and those 7.5 - 8 hours of meaninglessness, unemployment is a move to a million bosses: like the telephone bills, your spouse, your parents, your inlaws, grandparents, and all those household chores that you don`t want to do etc. Everyone, who previously nodded approvingly at your meaningless soul sucking life and left you alone, is now giving you advice, asking about your progress, checking in on you, demanding a list of the daily activities etc. Acuff argues that unemployment is not a ticket to your dream job it is train to financial wreck and even more meaninglessness.

I resonate with this. I found the stress of not have a job and my perception of the expectations on me to get one so overwhelming that I literally was non functional and did nothing for a week. Jet lag probably didn`t help and I didn`t actually do nothing but it was not a good week. I didn`t do the things I want to do when have time off because I felt guilty for not looking for a job and I didn`t look for a job because I find job hunting so stressful and I didn`t have the emotional energy yet. I am very tempted to find take a shitty job for shitty pay for the next two months so people don`t ask me if I have a job or give me unsolicited job searching advice. It will have no long term benefit, but it would lower a particular stress. Both the real and perceived, potentially imaginary expectations of other people I can find very stressful. My friends and family ought to know that whatever normal people do is not going to be what I do...

I continue to feel the need to individuate, to move far enough away that no one can help us and prove I can cope perhaps most of all to myself...