Where do we come from?

I had to write a life story last night for a class at Regent in order to introduce myself. It was required to be quite short, a mere 1000 words, but also was supposed to be filled with particularity which communicated a life rather than merely information. For better or for worse the first half of my paper was far more detailed and particular, covering my life from age five to seven. During this time three people in my life died, a friend in my kindergarten class and both my mum's parents. For some reason, last night this made sense in a way that I have not entirely connected with before. I often say, I am white middle class male who has had every advantage and no "real" pain or suffering in my life. This is usually my own disqualification for the deep sense of pessimism, obsession with suffering and generally negative view of life and the world. However, last night I realized that I have spent my life in the valley of the shadow of death. That my life was baptised in death deeply and dramatically at a young age. Is it any wonder that I am not filled with the optimism of other who did not experience loss like this, particularly at a young age? However, this revelation of self also begs the question: has this experience defined me or have I allowed it to? Why does it define me? We know come to evaluation... Do I need to rework my story? Do I need new definition?

It was in the midst of death that I found hope in Jesus, the one who has defeated death. I was anaesthetized with hope and became numb to death and yet I have carried that darkness with me. It has only been in the past few years that my emotions have thawed and I have felt ever more deeply the loss in my life that is unable to filled or healed. And yet as I learn to live in the shadow of death cast over my life, as I embrace the tension between life and death, somehow there is more freedom and life is sweeter. Last night as I reflected on where I come from, I realized the source and authenticity of my melancholy and in an odd way felt vindicated. It seems right to me to not yearn for escape or numb myself out and rather wrestle deep and enter into the pain, suffering, doubt, despair, depression and death of the world both intellectually and in reality.