I have concluded that I have internalized that fear and anxiety are the responsible response to almost everything. Life continues to happen. Things get finished. Everything is ok. But I feel irresponsible if I don't make sure that appropriately freak out in the midst of it all. People talk about how worrying doesn't help anything... is that true? Over the past 2 weeks, I had 5 assignments total, 3 of them quite sizeable and then I got sick and felt awful for about 3 days... I tried to make good relational decisions which at one point meant helping a friend instead of doing homework. This is when the anxiety kicked into overdrive, I was sick, behind on school, and between the two saw no way of things getting done. I wanted to die. I hate missing deadlines. I am horrified at the thought of tossing away marks on the classes that cost $1500. I was frustrated because I felt unsupported in my crisis. This is when anxiety begins to become angry and demanding. Amy usually feels the brunt of this. I emailed a prof and got a 4 day extension on one assignment due to my sickness and successfully finished everything on time. It is not that it was easy, getting everything done included 2 all nighters. But it did all happen and my life did not end despite my desires earlier last week that perhaps that would just best all around. In fact the sickness which felt at the time like condemnation and doom, was precisely what got me an extension and was perhaps, therefore, a blessing...?!?
I struggle, as many people do, to find value and personal worth in something larger and more consistent than my work. This is made worse by the fact that even my work (theology student/artist) is not valued in society and culture. I am sufficiently enculturated that my desire to create alternative community and maintain alternative world-view is incredibly difficult and my imagined alternatives fall squarely into the category of: irresponsible. This of course makes anxiety my bread and butter as I continue defiantly to try and chart a course into unknown waters, which seem doomed for failure and compromise. Unlike pastors or missionaries, academics and artists often pursue their sense of calling with minimal support as the unknown goals of exploring life, meaning and creative potential can be difficult to explain, time consuming, financially unrewarding and often too ambiguous to be convincingly worthwhile to the majority of pragmatic capitalist North America... Oh how I long to have the faith and conviction to live the light and anxiety free life of the sparrow or lily that Jesus has called us too (Matt. 6:25-28).
Do not worry about tomorrow... But we tell our kids and grads to make 5 years plans... Do not worry about tomorrow... but we tell people to plan ahead... Do not worry about tomorrow... but we spend vast amounts of time and money on financial planning and retirement savings... Don't worry about tomorrow... but don't be stupid...
So, to my anxiety laden friends and and society: How do we live light and worry free lives? How do we escape the endless task of self justification and sufficiency? If the answer is Jesus why does there seem so little support in the church for this freedom from worry? Why does it in fact seem that the church is perhaps the most worried, anxious hand wringing institution of society? What is wrong with us?
There is a difference between "don't worry about tomorrow" and "make no plans" or "take no thought at all". Planning and worrying are not the same thing.
ReplyDeleteWorry is what is happening when your thoughts are consumed about some particular issue or problem; without producing a tangible result.
Planning is, in fact, the antithesis of worrying. The issue or problem is considered, a plan is made, time and resources are allocated, and that is the action (or inaction) you will take. No more time is spent thinking or worrying about how to cope. You have made a decision about what you can/will/can afford to do about it, and further analysis is fruitless, and so is not done (except perhaps for review, at some point when time has passed or new information is available).
I see no issue with planning, as long as we are not too rigid about it. A plan that you hold so tightly too that it excludes any changes, especially a long term plan, is problem. We don't have that much control over our lives, espeically in the long term. But a plan that manages how you allocate time for homework, housework, and friends for the next two to four weeks is something that most people have, either explicitly or implicitly. I can't think of a scriptural injunction against sensible planning.
Worry, on the other hand, consumes time and energy without producing any result. And there is a definite and clear scriptural injunction against it. And one can understand why if it affects your relationship with your partner.
I understand that it is not easy to do for many people. But I don't see a conceptual problem separating worry from planning.
I thought about the question is there a difference between worry and planning as I wrote the post... I will agree that there is a nuance but I am not convinced that it is as big a nuance as you are suggesting. Furthermore, I am not convinced it is a nuance that we find in scripture... I think of the parable of the fool who planned so build bigger storehouses for his grain (luke 12)... I think of the injunction against storing up treasure on earth (Matt 6)... and I think of the command Jesus as he send out the 12 to take no money, bag, or extra shirt or sandals... This is a "bad" plan... the other two are "good" plans... I think that where planning and worry are connected is both are often rooted in fear and self seeking. Is this universally always the case? no. or at least not with "planning"... and yet to my eye there is something beautifully chaotic and improvisational both in Jesus life and the Biblical narrative more generally that I think genuinely poses a question to our "organized" living. It is "good" plan to have a king and a standing army, to have defense strategies... to consider premptive strikes...strategy etc. And yet "love your enemies" "don't have chariots" "pick up your cross" be like the lilies and the birds: "they do not sow or reap" (matt 6)...
DeleteHow do you plan for grace? How do you plan for gift? Do our plans and lives demonstrate life lived out of abundant daily gratitude and the experience grace?
Part of this shifts with our change in relationship to land... security is found in land and agriculture... technology has created the illusion of freedom from our own natural context... the natural world has become standing resources to be mined, controlles and stored for our use... this is good planning...
I think you suggest planning is the antithesis of worry because the "best" response to worry is to make a plan... to me this shows their very relatedness rather than antithesis. Does worry accomplish nothing? Actually it is probably the most effective motivation for me to make a plan (and in this way is very productive). Planning has made us effective and powerful... but has it made us good? has it made us graceful? Is there not a possibly problematic will to power inherent in almost all plans? God's plans are never good, sensible, or responsible but always spectacular. The cross is a bad plan. It is explicitly failure. but it is swallowed in victory...
I am not saying I have an answer, or a solution, or a perfect definition, or measuring stick, I am not saying that all plans are evil... but...but... there is something... there is a vision of something different... something lighter... something planned by God and not us... life free of worry... an easy yoke... a light burden... rest for our souls... where is that... how do I get a taste of that? where do I find support to try and live like this? no where. which is probably fair since this way of life leads to the cross, failure, destruction, pain, and suffering. It is not sensible to support plans or life like these.
Is this the last or only word? only perspective? no. is it perfect? absolute? definitive? no. Is it worthy of reflection? I think so.
>I think you suggest planning is the antithesis of worry because the "best" response to worry is to make a plan... to me this shows their very relatedness rather than antithesis.
DeletePersuing this will probably just wind us up in a morass of semantics. Is right related to wrong? Sure, in some sense or other.
>be like the lilies and the birds: "they do not sow or reap" (matt 6)...
Fair point. You are probably in a much better position to analyze how far this scripture should be taken.
>Planning has made us effective and powerful... but has it made us good? has it made us graceful? Is there not a possibly problematic will to power inherent in almost all plans?
Has non-planning made you a good person?
I never suggested planning was the road to salvation. I'm just suggesting that it is a reasonable tactic that enables one to live in a much calmer, "lighter", fashion.
Who do you know that doesn't worry, or doesn't worry much. How do they do it?
I am not claiming to be a good person. But I also am explicitly saying that my life is dominating both by worry and planning (to varying degrees), both usually rooted in fear and social apprehension regarding the categories of responsible and irresponsible, success and unsuccess.
DeleteI would say that I think that I am more consciously grateful for many of the unplanned moments of my life than the scheduled organized and anticipated ones.
I am not sure there is anyone that is within my immediate sphere that lives out well what I am trying to get it... I think some YWAM stories I have heard and experienced capture at least some of it... It can be difficult to discern both in onseself and others the mixture of worry, ignorance, fear, faith, arrogance, doubt, denial, etc. that make up a particular reality with the outward expression of serenity or lack there of. But I here people talking about what I am getting at, and I read about it. The mendicant monastic traditions captures something... "What you pawn I will redeem" captures something like it in a story about a homeless Seattle Indian... I think Shane Claiborne and new monasticism is on the right track... Irwin in the Brothers K... Why I like surfing relates to what I am trying to get at... I think that perhaps there is one guy at Regent who I think comes close and is a grateful dead fan, tree planting, artist, nurse, surfer, pastor, YWAMMER, and father...
>I am not claiming to be a good person.
ReplyDeleteThe comment was not meant to comment on whether you were a good person or not. It was a direct reaction to your question whether planning makes us good. And the response is no, certainly not; and neither does non-planning. So I don't think that's a relevant remark.
I think I grasp a part of what you are after with "an easy yoke, a lighter burden". All I'm trying to convey is that I think that a modicum of sensible (and flexible) planning is a part of it. And I'm making that comment since you appear to be committed to no planning. I even thought of some scripture that seems to me to speak in favour. There is the parable of wise and foolish virgins. There is also a reference to a man building a tower who makes sure he has enough money/resources to complete the work.
I am far from committed to non-planning. Although I understand that many people might analyze my life and think that I am. I don't think that it is actually possible to actually have zero plan. But some people I know/have known that live less planned/more flexible lives, I have experienced as more social, more helpful, more present, more generous, and more available to live and experience life. My argument is less against planning per say and more against fear and self creation, both of which I think are often expressed in the form of plans. I was thrilled to hear that missionary friend of mine do not have house insurance. I think that some people who are good planners and seem to not "worry" may not be "worried," but their trust is in their plans... this I think is problematic from a faith perspective. My deepest desire is to live flexibly and faithfully out of a sense of calling. Will this result in plans? yes. But my desire is to pull plans out of the dominant cultural categories that they are for: success and duty.
DeleteThe context of the building of the tower is that discipleship costs everything (Luke 14). Which to me highlights the radical, worldview and category, and paradigm shift that discipleship is. I think that many churches reinforce cultural values more than they support this radical shift of worldview...
I am trying to reimagine how we conceive of planning. I am trying to think outside of the limited categories that are socially given and reinforced. This is of course a messy, experimental, unreliable way of life but its power is the redefining of categories. This is difficult to do in isolation, easier in community, and this I think is the goal. I think this is hope/point of scripture...
I don`t really think its an issue of planning.. I would like to post more on this but I`have a talk I need to get ready for and I`ll be up till 4:30 in the morning
ReplyDelete(life after college doesn`t let you have exertions past your due date :) This is sort of a break for me.
I will say this I know what worry is like. This past summer I got married, with no job, no home and no money to plan a wedding. I was worried.