Feeling expendable

This week I have been dwelling on the feeling of being expendable. The feeling or experience of being unimportant in a relationship. A feeling common to a plastic bag as it is being tossed away.

As I have pondered these feelings in my life, and witnessed similar experiences in those around me, I have begun to see this as a common experience within relationships. Ideally, it would not be a common experience, but it occurs none the less. Of all experiences, the feeling of worthlessness or feeling expendable must rank as one of the most painful emotional experiences. There is a certain lack/absence of feeling that occurs. The same absence does not occur when someone directly insults you, or has the initiative to actively hurt you. The experience of expendability comes with an emotion rooted in not even being worth the others time/energy/acknowledgement to hurt you outright. It does not dignify you or the relationship at all.

Personally, I retreat into myself when these experiences occur. I find an uneasy comfort in isolation. It is turmoil, but at least I cannot leave myself, at least I cannot harm myself in the same way. Yes, I can harm myself, I can perpetuate spirals of anger, depression, and self loathing but I cannot divorce myself in an expendable way. The unity of the self does not allow it.

Now, we are in Passion Week. A time of triumph/subversion of Palm Sunday through the pain and break of relationship of Maundy Thursday, Isolation of Friday, death/ internalization/realization on Saturday, resurrection and doubt on Sunday and Monday.

As I bring my thoughts and feelings of expendability to Passion Week, I see them throughout it.

Here are some of the circumstances and relationships where I perceive emotions of expendability:

The disciples must have felt a growing distance as Jesus retreats into himself throughout last supper. The language grows more confusing. It is a funeral with everyone present. I have never imagined that it was a jubilant celebration like many of the other meals depicted throughout the Gospels.

The disciples get a second dose in the Garden. Jesus rejects disciples as he goes to be alone to pray. The disciples fall into an uncomfortable sleep. They cannot be near their friend; he seems to have no relational need. Rejection, disposal.

Jesus gets an equal dose. He returns repeatedly, as if desiring relational/tangible presence, but he does not ask for continued nearness. To his dismay, his friends are asleep. He feels expendable as if not worthy of their continued watchfulness.

I think Judas had a solid/overwhelming feeling of being a disposable pawn. Jesus tells him to go from the supper. How worthless was their friendship? Jesus does not try to persuade him otherwise. Was it ever worth anything? As he enters the garden, I imagine Judas feeling the relationships snap between him and the other disciples. He is more alone then ever before, even while he is physically surrounded by the soldiers there to arrest Jesus. He finds himself in a place of ultimate rejection. I continue to imagine him spiraling out of control as he watches what takes place next. He has no friends and nowhere in himself to rest. Nowhere but an abyss of self-loathing. He played his part as the pawn, now disposed of, he commits suicide, by the garbage dump, as if his final statement to the world.

Eloi Eloi Lama Sabacthani
My God, My God, Why have you expended me?

I will continue to ponder this as I wait for Sunday. I hope you join me in pondering and waiting.