Attempting to Touch the Present

Reflecting on Duncan’s Blog Summer 2012, I was poignantly reminded of the absence of “seasons” in my life this year. This has been a new experience for me. I have spent the past 20 years of my life learning a pattern of academic seasons. Terms, semesters, holidays…repeat. Though I did not always appreciate this flow throughout my life, sometimes summers seemed too short, a term would last for eternity, or time would pass in a blink of an eye, the flow of change was consistent. The cycles of change provided certainty, place, and anticipation. This year I have deeply felt the absence of these cycles as a life-sucking void. This came to a head at Christmas, where I went on a VERY short trip to Calgary for Christmas only to return to the exact same pattern of life I had just left. This return acted as the death stroke of my cycling through change.

It was not long after my educational experience ended last year that I deeply desired to sit in a classroom, to write a paper, especially to have my mind challenged and stretched. After years of education, I had developed an addiction to this stimulus. Graduation and “real life” has been like going cold turkey. It frequently manifests in the shakes, absence, and anxiety. This deep-seated anxiety cause by absence of the familiar has left me wanting. Like all great addictions, I have not resolved or “fixed” my addiction, I have transferred it.

The death of change and the unceremonious removal of an addiction forced me to seek other “seasons”. This year, like few before, I have been anticipating the natural seasons. I long for the change from rain to snow, from snow to rain, from rain to sun. I have been demarcating the seasons by finding my “fix” in the outdoor adventures I pursue.

This year I quenched my need for change and challenge by venturing outside. This year I became the “weekend warrior” at the ski hill, took on an early season backpacking trip, planted a garden, and in the last two weeks have reunited with an old friend - my mountain bike.

Solace in the snow:

Early season challenges on Washington’s Olympic Peninsula:

Touching the ground:

A past photo, of my renewed addiction:

With continued and increasing uncertainty regarding the future, I find myself attempting to touch the present and find a new flow.