CYOA - Redemption is Inadequate

4From Mount Hor they set out by the way to the Red Sea, to go around the land of Edom. And the people became impatient on the way. 5And the people spoke against God and against Moses, "Why have you brought us up out of Egypt to die in the wilderness? For there is no food and no water, and we loathe this worthless food." 6 Then the LORD sent fiery serpents among the people, and they bit the people, so that many people of Israel died. And the people came to Moses and said, "We have sinned, for we have spoken against the LORD and against you. Pray to the LORD, that he take away the serpents from us." So Moses prayed for the people. 8And the LORD said to Moses, "Make a fiery serpent and set it on a pole, and everyone who is bitten, when he sees it, shall live." 9So Moses made a bronze serpent and set it on a pole. And if a serpent bit anyone, he would look at the bronze serpent and live. (ESV)

While reading this passage I noticed a few things worth highlighting. First of all, the question “Why have you brought us out of Egypt to die in the wilderness?” is something I ask God often - specifically in reference to my time serving as a missionary in Africa. Why God, oh why did you take me out of Canada, away from my Egypt, away from my friends and family, away from serving you with passion to experience evil, failure and abandonment in a wilderness. Just as the Israelites, I have grown impatient with God; I am tired of waiting for him when waiting feels like death.

Secondly, I resonate with the Israelites who thought that manna was not enough. One might read this and think how arrogant it is of the Israelites to regard God’s miraculous provision of manna inadequate. Yet I feel this way and act this way often. I have experienced “inadequate” provision of God in the sense that I was not sustained physically, emotionally or spiritually during my time overseas. I admit there were moments of hope but in the big picture those do not even compare to the hard times. Now I am angry and impatient because the little manna he offered only scraped me by and now there is not much left of me.

The third point I found interesting is that God does not remove the serpents even after the people repent and Moses prays. Although he provided a way for the people to survive the bites, he let them continue to be bitten.

I am not sure how to feel about this and I am not sure how to apply it. Even knowing that the snake’s venom would not kill, how many bites could one survive? Wouldn't the pain and the wounds and the trauma of repeated bites become unbearable?

I remember having my mouth washed out with dishwashing liquid after swearing at my mother as a child. The bottle of soap stayed on the bathroom counter for a week afterwards to remind me of what would happen if I did it again. Did I learn not to swear? No, I just swore more often in places where she could not hear me. Did I learn more constructive ways of communicating my feelings with my mother? No, I avoided her all together.

I wish God would remove the serpents. I wish life in repentance did not look like being repeatedly bitten. I wish that there could be something more pleasant on the spectrum between getting bitten and death. Short of never sinning – there does not seem to be another way. So what shall it be, a life of wounds that feel like death or death after one bite? If you see another alternative please leave a comment below to help me to see it too.

God brought me here yet I am no longer who I thought God wanted me to be. How do we make sense of this?