Transition Into Nowhere

Being in the same place two years later...Sucks.

The elation of Tuesday’s noon was soon swallowed by the hollow emptiness of Wednesday’s realization.

The final push through exams was over. The sleep deprivation, caffeine cocktail could finally be put aside. The future opened itself before me, a future I could not see two hours previous because of the looming task of exam writing that consumed the entirety of my being. Sweet, sweet relief. My shoulders dropped two-inches that day.

Experiencing relief, I joined some friends to experience the great outdoors. Rock climbing followed by two days of skiing. It was to be a great vacation before the summer. A time to unwind, to enjoy completing the semester, and to celebrate. I made it until 10 am on Wednesday morning, then the panic began to set in.

“What am I doing with my life?” Mid-twenties without a serious career path! Open-ended options with no distinct path forward. No way to define what it is that I want to do. I continue to fly by the seat of my pants, but eventually do I not need to have some tangible goals?

As I rode the lift up the mountain, followed by a speedy descent, the repetition grasped me. Education, reprieve, education, reprieve. But do I not need to eventually break this cycle? Has it become a cycle of safety and certainty?

“What about next week?” I can ski for a few days, but I cannot afford to ski for the rest of the summer, let alone the rest of my life. Next week will come, and I will have no reason to sit in my room. There will be no “good rationalization” for spending hours reading books, typing on my computer, or lying on my floor memorizing obscure facts.

I need to get a job.

It is that time of year again, that season of life, that transition into nowhere.

It was almost two years ago we started this blog. In the midst of the abyss of meaninglessness that comes from job searching. Now, two years later, I find myself in that place. It is an awful place. A pummelling place. A place of comparison and self-doubt. A place of stress and anxiety, where just “being is never an option. For to “be” would mean not searching. “Being” would not involve the plague of questions.

“How am I supposed to compete for a job against all the other people who are looking? They probably have more experience, better references, and a more personable demeanor.”

“Two years experience...” – Nope

“A degree in marketing...” – Nope

Comparing against the anonymous “other” is maybe the most self-destroying experience in which I continue to participate. It is not by choice, it is forced upon me by that evil shadow that lurks around every corner of transition. It is forced upon me by the rat race we have constructed and called society. It is the self-destruction of the individual in order to fit into the mass.

It is not a loving embrace, it is cold dejection.

These are reflections after a morning of job searching. So if you have a great job that you want to hand to me, please let me know. Until then I will continue to peruse the internet feeling dejected by my lack of tangible qualifications. Attempting to will myself to look at another job-search website.